It's straight from the office...u'll hate it!

I froze your tear and made a dagger
and stabbed it in my cock forever
it stays there like Excaliber
Are you my Arthur?
Say you are

Take this cool, dark, steel-ed blade
Steal it
Sheath it in your lake
I'd drown with you to be together
Must you breathe?
Cos i need heaven

hahaha makes no sense, just like many other things!

Expectations?

Why are you hiding, you are still right there in my mind, like a ghost in my dreams. I do feel like writing to you or call you but I can’t as I don’t know why? I have so much in my head that I expect to go away from me, at least?

If I cry for help, will you still hold out your arms for me, talk like we used to before? If I tell you all the things, would you still ever love me, hold me & tell all the things you want to tell me? I can no longer refuse the facts, as they all are swimming tirelessly in my head. Have to accept the temptations as I sit here alone, with my mind wondering, wandering, expecting…

No one is watching me, so no one knows as I slip into my own seclusion & fool around with my own illusions. Reality is not so far away from me now as I feel my imminent future; reality does make its presence felt, as always I expect things out of my bounds…

My body slips far from my restless, mindless conclusions; I wonder if there will be at least any silly solutions. As I am making a fool of myself sometimes; just as I did yesterday (that’s what I think, how could I respond, it’s been a long time, been hurt) How can I make a decision, I miss you but I am right in the middle of the persons I like, even you may be. Well I have you to be with me, that’s what I think again & again

Can I still be yours? Well if you deny me this plea, it leaves me nowhere to go. But...

I really expect to be in your arms, feeling free, I will be as this love (?) for me is as real as it can be, to love you even if you won't and love you for all of eternity….but who cares/dares to love for ever***...times change and so do people!

The "True" Bullshit

I write love with my hands raised to praise,
I write laughter to try and drive away the haze.
I write sorrow to try and make the world cry,
I write the truth to try and touch the skies.
I write the lies to deceive your simple mind,
I write for evil to tell you about our kind.
I write for God to show us the holy light,
I write pride to help you along lifes fight.
Yes, I write this bullshit to stay forever alive,
but people judging this shit is what makes me laugh.

"I will live forever in my mind..."

Destiny???

Such twisted fate of instantaneous destruction, such evil lies within this horrible idiotic construction.
Dealing the certain fate, the cruel hand of loves lost, the devil fucking your mind to show you who's boss.
Just another bottle of my new pals, whiskey, beer, and the thoughts go away to fill this breach beyond reach.
To believe in such things as destiny, love and fate, only makes this heart feel so used and second rate.
The moral of this story about destiny when life feels sunk?
Don't fucking write when you're so fucking drunk.

hahahaha more later!!

WhAt MySteRy Is ThIs?!

What mystery is this thing called love? Many know how elusive it is! The years of my searching are numbered in the minds of women/girls, but this mean heart knows no time, only the pain of loneliness.
God, where can I find the answers to my longing, the balance between spirit and flesh. My soul feels like an ocean without water, vast in its emptiness. Its depth exposed, parched by the sun of my own desire. Cryptic visions from my dreams haunt me most of the time,still something urges me to be hopeful.
Where shall I find these answers? Who will answer these moans? The tears of my heart seem like rivers, seeking to fill the void in my soul. I pray from time to time, that this melancholy in life may be shortened, when I will know the meeting of two hearts, again. When??

Here I go....

Well was planning to write for such a long time, thought of many things to write and kinda clear my mind space but have forgotten most of them. The thing is, I am going on my way, that’s for sure, I guess, a step closer to my dreams. Well many other dreams were broken or will be in the course of time, but who hears the sighs of these broken dreams anyway but moi. I say..

Dreams are very powerful things, full of feelings, words and thoughts,
Some are great, fascinating wonderful, others sad, horrifying awful,
For I can relate to both of these, for I have dreams!

Now it will never be the same again. I mean the things which were over all these years, will never be the same ever again. (Oh, what a discovery!) Well things do change with time, I know that. However, leaving all this (of 25 years) and to move on along with all the memories of family, friends and all other things, is going to be tough. But many people have done this and even I can. Just a matter of around 2 years anyway, still it is a big deal. I just hope to be successful and all that goodie stuff;).

Now for some not so good part. I am feeling very funny nowadays. If only, I could tell …I’ll try though. Nevertheless, it’s a change and change is good sometimes, I think. In addition, the point I had stated in some earlier posts is, any girl I like is either…. It proves to be true most of the time, even it was very true this time. The other day my friends somehow managed to guess a thing or two about me. Again, putting me in some turmoil. Why do I wait, I must just go ahead when I feel like. On the other hand, even I maybe a bit reluctant(and I tend too think too much about it and take a lot of time to make up my mind) and not so daring in these kinda matters, if you know what I mean. But, no one cares. I think I will just pack up and leave, the best possible solution. This is of no use, I’ve a feeling that I’ve been misunderstood(though it’s not new to me)this time too; I don’t want to mess up things and friendships(?) is just too hard to sort things out; I know and I’ve been through it. I just want to leave all that as is and if people are so stubborn and not willing to listen, I won’t care about them anyway!

People generally say, who will waste time just falling in love, getting hurt (I have more than enough for my share) and cry about it and vow never to fall in love, in turn falling in love again with a wrong person. Think logically and you will get to know. I think love is a game of chance, you’ll never find the right/perfect person always, we all have to take chances and keep ourselves open to love(now even I don’t know where this leads too actually).I say love is abundantly available, feel free to waste/use it, liberally (Any comments?!). Even if I fall in love, I don’t think she will wait for two years and just waste/wait her love. I just remembered a few lines from a song, which I think you will guess: …..who cares to love forever….who waits forever anyway!(wow how well it goes with all this haha)

No harm in being single despite the fact that it’s another case if u are with someone. So is just asking her out will be of no harm, as I have nothing to lose. It doesn’t work all the time though. If I do ask the girl (who I know for sometime) and she says no it will surely mess up whatever the friendship there was/is between us. That I do not want. I don’t want to create any tensions as solving them may even take a lifetime, like I said before.

I really hope things get sorted out, hope to have another chance at it. As it is things always tend to go wrong with me. All that u see above my be confused but who cares. Will be back with more not so interesting thoughts or even something else, something new. Till next time.

Please don’t mind all that above, as when I read it myself, it makes a little less sense!!

Slow Dance

have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round?
or listened to the rain slapping on the ground?
ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
or gazed at the moon into the night?

do you run through each day on the fly?
when you ask, "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?
when the day is done, do you lie in your bed
with the next hundred chores running through your head?

ever told your loved ones, 'Will do it tomorrow?'
and in your haste, not see their sorrow?
ever lost touch, let a good friendship die
cause you never had time to keep in touch or say "Hi"?

when you run so fast to get somewhere
you miss half the fun of getting there.
when you worry and hurry through your day,
it is like an unopened gift thrown away.

life is not a race,you'd better slow down.
do take it slower,don't dance so fast.
hear the music,it won't last.
'coz time we all have is short.

Dream!

I stood there, trying to understand it all. This is it, I thought. This is where it all ends.
I heard a sound behind me. Closing my eyes, I screamed...
I woke up.
Blearily, I turned and looked at the clock on the study table beside me. 9.35. I'm late, I thought.
I got up, my back leaving a faint outline of sweat on the sheets. It was winter. Folding the blanket, I thought about the dream. It seemed so real. How could a dream be so real?
I shuddered and put the blanket aside and the pillow on top of it.
I remembered about her. She should be waiting for me now at the cafe. I had promised to meet her so that we could have breakfast together.
I reached for my cell phone and dialed her number.
"Hey ?, it's me."
"What?"
"It's me. I'll be bit late."
"Wrong number."
I dialed again. Slowly.
"?-"
"Wrong number."
Could she have lent her cell phone to one of her friends? I thought. But I just called her last night. Or maybe she has lost her cell phone on the way and someone picked it up. Never mind, I'll find out soon.
I took off my shorts and searched for my jeans. I remember hanging them behind the door last night before I slept. But they weren't there now. I looked inside the closet and under the study table. Perhaps Mother had put them to wash. Damn it, I thought. I hate it when she sneaks into my room and tries to clean it.
Sighing, I took out another pair of jeans from the closet and slipped into them. I couldn't recall buying these though. Mother must have bought them for me, not the color I wanted. But I felt comfortable in them. I hoped she wouldn't mind buying them next time, in blue.
I glanced at the clock. 9.42. Enough time to brush my teeth. I went into the bathroom.
"What the-" I retreated, my legs knocked against the toilet. Falling, I grabbed the basin and balanced myself.
I looked at the face in the mirror again.
It can't be, I thought. I rubbed my eyes, held the face and pinched the cheeks. It can't be.
I got out of the bathroom. I picked up the cell phone, wanting to call Dad or Mother, but the battery had gone flat. I tried the door but it was locked. I searched for the door key in the closet's drawer and the room, but the key was missing.
I stood there, trying to understand it all.
A dream, I thought. A bad dream...
I woke up.

Who the hell was she!?? Who knows?

Am I in Love?

Today I am not feeling well. I mean I am fine health wise, but some baddish feeling is there somewhere and because of that feeling, I am getting a bit irritated. I have too many things on my mind and nearly all of them are important. I am not that suitable frame of mind at this moment to handle all this. I know I can handle it, but it will surely take some time. And time is what I don’t have. I am not dying or anything, but I roughly have 4 months in which I have to settle at least half of these dilemmas. I am royally messed up and all confused. I do not even know if what I am writing is making any sense!

One thing I am sure of is that I am a bit closer to what I want in terms of my career. I hope that it will be done with minimum hassles. I am trying hard to get it.
The other thing; girls. Why won’t a normal person, not want to be with girls, want to fall in love at this age? There I used the much-dreaded word, ‘LOVE’. And this is bugging me greatly. I feel that I am lonely and really need someone to get over the loneliness now. I want to fall in love. It has been a long time since I have been in love (Don’t know if it was love, it was a long
time back). I do have a crush on someone I know, call it infatuation, obsession, passion (all mean the same I guess) or anything else, I don’t care. And I hope I know what it exactly is soon. I am interested in making a move (if you get what I mean), but there are other priorities that need to be taken care of first. Moreover, if I have to take care of that, all this will have to wait for another 3 years or so, and then it would be late. This may be the punishment I get, for the misdoings in the past and I know I have to overcome them at any cost. And I will pull it off, somehow. That’s what I think.
It is not that I don’t have the guts (I agree, better say I don’t have some guts) to talk to the girl. Nevertheless, when I do, I’m unable to convey my feelings in a proper way to her. I just want to ask her out, for a coffee or something and then may be know what she thinks. It’s not that it would rush things, friends can/do go out right? Only if I could tell her! Another thing is that I am a bit afraid to get hurt; I have been hurt more times, than I could think of deserving. I know that there are many girls out there but I certainly don’t have that much time to go after them to find the ONE. I know many girls with whom I would like to talk; but I think most of them are out of the league. And amongst it all, the girls I like are either engaged, going around or not interested at all. Most of the girls my age are nowhere to be seen. Still I could feel that I am in love (I think I am), yet all those things seem too far away from me. So close, but how far! What should I do? How can I find out if anyone out there likes me? (Not the ones I don’t want to be with ever) How can I ask her out once? I have a feeling that she won’t, still I’m an optimistic about it.

Words like marriage, family, money, job and other responsibilities are crossing my mind and scaring the shit out of me. I can’t avoid them either. As the matter of fact, in about 4-5 years or so I have to face them head on and embrace them. Let’s hope for the best.

If you don’t get it, forget it? (What I have written that is!)
More next time.

Happy New Year?!

Well it’s that time of the year again. I still cannot describe precisely how I feel. I am confused, irritated, sad, and a bit happy! Well all of it and many more of other things I am feeling. Another year is ending, much like previous 2-3 years. Not very fruitful year for me in some ways. Very unexpected things happened this time around. I am still much far away from what I want and I really hope things get sorted with a comforting pace. They say it is never too late. Hope; that is the best I can do and just try to make things happen the way I want them to be. I want to do it for someone I really cared for but was unable to do it when I should have done it in the first place. I’m sorry. And also for a someone who cared for all of us and who is now cared for. I miss you all.

Enough of this serious stuff. When most of the people are busy organizing plans for the New Year’s Eve, I really have not decided anything yet. What can I decide? What I really want is to spend the day with my close friends. Many are out if the country and the rest here. All the time I keep saying that, this is, probably the last time we all will be together. Each one is going to go there own way the next year, for work or studies. It’s not like that we will never meet again but as we all have our priorities set and well have to think seriously about our future, it is going to be very difficult. However, some of the people do not understand what they are going to miss in the coming days. They still think that a ‘party’ is more important than friends are. Well the whole year some people are partying nearly 3 days of the week. When they will know, it will be late to understand what I really meant to say.

I don’t’ think it is hard to follow what I have written. And it’s not that I am jealous, I just care more about my friends than a party where I’m not invited. Even if I do not have money to flaunt, I do have my dignity, self-respect and my conscience to answer. Simple.

Anyway, like people are going to change?

Well I wish every one of my friends a very Healthy, Happy and Prosperous New Year! May all your dreams come true. Take care people!

Hope to write as frequent as possible, much like a journal/diary